Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Chelation Therapist

Do you have a child with autism? Know someone with cancer? Do you wish there were some magic bullet to use instead of costly behavioral therapy or intense regimens of surgery, radiation and chemotherapy? Would you like to use experimental treatments outside a clinical trial setting? Are pesky regulations keeping you from doing any of this?

Well, now you can change all that. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Chelation Therapist!

Chelation Therapist

That's right. With Chelation Therapist, you can develop your own evidence-free therapies that are one-size fits all! Want to boost the immune system? Just inject a little urine. Autism? Use your very own experimental chelation cream! Breast cancer? Chelate! Prostate cancer? Chelate? Lung cancer? Chelate! Chelate! Chelate! And should the local medical board look askance at your maverick ways, just use your political influence to change the laws and hamstring those "rabid dogs"! Easy as buttering up some bread.

Chelation Therapist stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Urine-filled syringe
• Experimental chelation cream

Pocket legislator sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

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