Help! I have Polio!

I thought it was just after effects of exercising. I figured that I would be fine, that I would recover without any ill effects. In fact, I thought that my health would improve a fair bit overall: improve strength and stamina, more flexibility, improved balance. That's what I expected. But then I started doing some research and that's when I found out: I have polio. I mean, I have polio-like symptoms:

• Headaches
• Back pain
• Neck pain
• Muscle tenderness
• Fatigue

Based on this, I must clearly have polio. I mean, there is no meaningful distinction between "polio" and "polio-like symptoms." A recently published study by Holland, et al. (PDF), in the Pace Environmental Review stated the same thing for autism:

there is no meaningful difference between "autism" and "autism-like symptoms." (p. 493)

Now, there are some who might argue that there is a distinction, medically speaking, between polio and polio-like symptoms, but they are clearly held in the grip of Big Pharma^TM. Don't let them fool you. I know I have polio because I have polio-like symptoms. And since there is no meaningful distinction between the terms "polio" and "polio-like symptoms," then the only possible answer is that the cause of my distress is nothing else but polio. I'm sure the folks at Age of Autism will back me up on this one.

So, if you have any of the symptoms above, start planning out your last days, because you, my friend, have polio.
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It should go without saying that all of the above is satire. But, just in case someone didn't get it, it's satire! I do not have polio. Do not take any of the above as medical advice. If you have medical questions, ask your doctor instead of going by some faceless text on the internet.